I AM A CAPE BRETONER
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Hey, I'm not a coal miner or a fishermanAnd I don't live in a company house
Or own a kilt or play bagpipes....
And I don't know John MacDonald,
Although I'm sure if you knew his
Father's name or his family nickname, I might.
My father is on pogie...
Not Unemployment Insurance
I speak Cape Bretonese
Not English or French - unless I'm from Cheticamp
I say "yous" not "you" when I am referring to more than one person
I can proudly sing every word to "The Island"
I believe: In saying Arsehole not Asshole;
That Ashley MacIssac was fine until he went to Toronto;
That "bet up" is the past tense of beat;
And that after fifty you must go to "the Bingo".
"The stick" is something Ma threatened to beat you with.
You are a minority in Cape Breton if your Grandmother didn't have at least one picture of the Pope or that Portrait of Jesus Christ.
And a "puck" means a really hard punch or hit, not just something you use in hockey.
Nothing nice ever comes after the phrase "that one".
Your cousin is your cousint.
And "you old cunt" can be used as a term of affection.
Just as a conversation can begin with "What's going on B'y"....
You can ask a complete stranger to "saves a puff".
Moonshine, if drunk well, will give you the shits.
And you don't laugh really hard at something You "roar" at it.
A BUNGALOW IS A COTTAGE.
YOU DON'T PRONOUNCE THE 'H' AT THE END OF KEITH'S.
AND HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU PRONOUNCE "H" AGAIN ANYWAY?
BY THE WAY, IT'S A "POINT" OF RUM, NOT A PINT!
CAPE BRETON IS AN ISLAND OFF OF NOVA SCOTIA
THE FIRST NATION OF TARBISH AND FIDDLE MUSIC
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!!
MY LAST NAME STARTS WITH "MC"
AND I AM A CAPE BRETONER !!!
Not a lot of poelpe konw tihs!
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
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This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it! It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
I OWE MY MOTHER!!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze like that."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
***QUOTES ON DRINKING & DRUGS***
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"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
-- Humprey Bogart.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." -- Joe E Lewis.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-- Ernest Hemmingway.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- Tee Mans
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
-- Plato.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
-- Oscar Wilde.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
-- Mark Twain.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Jack Handy
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
-- Catherine Zandonella.
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
-- David Daye.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-- Henny Youngman.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-- Dave Barry.
"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."
-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan.
"They who drink beer will think beer."
-- Washington Irving.
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-- Ernest Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls).
"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
-- Noel Coward.
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
-- Richard Braunstein
"If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue."
-- Samuel Butler
"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."
-- Rose Kennedy, (1890-1995) family matriarch, on her 100th birthday, 1991
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on."
-- Oscar Levant
"I drink no more than a sponge."
-- Francis Rabelais, Works. Book i. Chap. v.
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
-- Seen on a bumper sticker
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-- Dave Barry.
"I drink therefore I am."
-- WC Fields.
"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
-- Dylan Thomas.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-- Hunter S Thompson.
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
-- NF Simpson.
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
--Henny Youngman.
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
-- Robin Williams.
"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."
-- Dean Martin.
"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
-- Robert Benchley.
"He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."
-- Mike Harding.
"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
-- Mick Miller.
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
-- Rodney Dangerfield.
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
-- Robin Williams.
"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
-- Will Rogers.
"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk saying: "I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
-- Denis Leary.
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
-- George Best.
"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
-- Diogenes.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
--Lisa Claymen
"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
-- WC Fields.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
-- Dean Martin.
"The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
-- Arthur Lewis.
"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."
-- Homer Simpson.
**Quotes By George Burns**
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-"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
-"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
-"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."
-"At my age flowers scare me."
-"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
-"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
-"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
General Quotes:
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I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--Roseanne
I know this is an 'oldie', but, it is surely worth the 're-read'....Brianm.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
**The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
**What would you do...
What would you do? You make the choice! Don't look for a punch line; There isn't one! Read it anyway. My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?
At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children,the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe,that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked,"Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The
pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He scampered down the
baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home! Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."
"Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me, his Father, so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!"
If you're thinking about forwarding this message,chances are that you're probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural
order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity 'or' do we pass up that opportunity to brighten the day of those with us the least able, and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
May your day be a Shay Day.....sunny today & always.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
